I haven't had much to write recently. There doesn't seem to be a lot going on around here right now. Antonio is in the middle of busy season (AKA tax season) so he's been working crazy hours and travelling more than not.
About every 28 days or so I get a little baby hungry (which couldn't possibly be related to some kind of biological menses). Here's my question; How in the world do you people with 3+ kids handle it? The noise, the mess, the constant drain on mental and emotional faculties. I just really don't think I'm cut out for it. I think I like the idea of more kids, but I don't know if I can actually do it. Kids are so much work (don't get me wrong, I love my kids fiercely) and I've already got a loner personality, I require a lot of sleep and alone time to function well. The thought of three kids seems so completely overwhelming to me. So all you veterans, let me know the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I think a lot of this is partly guilt-induced. As a woman (and a Mormon) I almost feel like I should want to have a lot of kids, and I just don't. I'm very happy with my two and I don't feel like anything is missing from our family. And I completely understand that I don't need to justify my actions to anyone, particularly on the very personal subject of family planning. Am I missing some sort of fundamental female gene because I don't want more kids? Maybe it's because having 2 kids is so....normal. I like to push the envelope and do things my own way. Can you tell that I am way overthinking this? As it stands now, neither Antonio or I want more kids so this is mostly a moot point. But, a moot point that occasionally runs through my mind.
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Honestly, between Daniel and Josh (#2&3) there's 3 1/2 years for a reason. I couldn't have handled having another baby any sooner than that. And while I was pregnant with Josh I was certain that I NEVER wanted to be pregnant again. Even after he was born I was pretty adamant that we were done. However, I didn't want to do something "permanent" without knowing for sure that our family was complete. So I started praying and really never felt anything. My last step was to pray and then go to the temple. That was where I learned that our family was not complete. I knew it completely. It just became part of me, and I did have to come to terms with it over the course of about a month. Good thing too because a month after that I learned I was pregnant with Natalie! So that's what I would recommend. Pray and go to the temple. And if two is what's right for you then you will know. As for the mess, it does sometimes drive me crazy, but I've just had to come realize that right now my kids are little and there will come a time when I will wonder where all those little hand prints that decorate the TV went. It gets so much easier as they get older too because they start being able to help more. My outlets include nights out with Chris, girls nights with "the girls", enrichment (I cherish every single one because it gives me an excuse to escape), and alone time with individual kids. I really don't look at my kids as being a group of four. When I look at them I see McKenzie, Daniel, Josh, and Natalie all individually. I get surprised sometimes when I see them together and realize that I actually have four kids and want another. It's OK, you can think I'm crazy if you want! I think I'm done with my essay now.
ReplyDeleteHey there, this is random but I noticed you had a link to the conger crew...how do you know Carley??
ReplyDeleteYour musings seem to mirror my thoughts lately...I can't wrap my mind around the thought of the adults in the house outnumbered by children - that would mean "zone defense" instead of "man-to-man defense", in Travis's basketball terms...:) I can't handle it...YET, anyway. We'll see.
ReplyDeleteI think that we all go through those feelings. I'm baby hungry and my baby is still a baby, 7 months. I have to agree that praying, going to the temple and always leaving it up to you, your spouse, and God are the best things that you can do. Good luck on that one.
ReplyDeleteI would say that give it some time. You are so very young and have years of having more children later if you decide that you want more. For me, I want to have many fun Christmases with my many (4) kids when I get older. It seems so fun to have many grown children so I will just have to get through these very young years of my children somehow. I am thinking about waiting till August of 2010 for the next one if you know what I mean. Things will seem easier once we move closer and the boys give us some well earned breaks. I promise!
ReplyDeleteNOthing is wrong with you to want to be done, but believe me...if I can handle three kids so can you. I am so uptight and don't deal well with noise and chaos. You'll know what's right for you. I'm already baby hungry and Beckham's not even six months yet!
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