125

125 was the perfect number yesterday. That's what our one, healthy little baby bean's heart rate was at, and what the doctor said, "Is exactly where we want it."

Athena and I had the first ultrasound yesterday. After the initial slow rising hormone levels and our waning "cautiously optimistic" attitude, seeing the fluttering heartbeat was a joy and a relief. Baby was no more than a small blip on the machine. No arms or legs or spinal column yet. But that darn heartbeat just melted my own heart. We were able to get some pictures and mine are proudly displayed on our family bulletin board.

It's still a little strange. This pregnancy. While I was so comforted seeing that heartbeat, there was no maternal instinct, no thoughts of "this is my baby", no excitement about when it's born and life will be different. I could only think of Athena and how happy I am for her. And I think that's a good thing. The best way to describe is that I feel the same way about this little one as I do about my niece and nephews. I love them dearly with all of my heart, but they aren't my children. I already love this kid fiercely, but have no desire to actually care for and raise it. I just want to fun parts of kisses and cuddles!

My boys have been very uninterested in all of this. Ninja and Gambit think it's cool that I'm growing a baby and like to comment that I'm going to get fat. But, they also clearly understand that this isn't our baby. For the most part baby isn't a part of our normal family talk. It comes up now and then, but most of the time I think they just forget that it's even there (Antonio does that too).

In 2.5 hours I'll be 7 weeks pregnant (due date is 12/12/13). Heavenly Father has blessed me greatly so far. The only symptom I've had is wanting to sleep all the time. No heartburn, no nausea, no peeing every 10 minutes. In fact, I've wanted to eat everything in sight, and I've got a little belly to show for it! I pray that this ease continues. A big fear was the negative impact the pregnancy could have on the kids, especially if I'm battling sickness and severe symptoms.

There seems to be so much I'm feeling about this process, but it's extremely difficult to put into words. So for now, we are grateful for a growing baby and are looking forward to a bright and happy year!

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